Lonely Pt3

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• There is this man, and a part of me wants to make contact because on paper, he seems like a man I should meet. Can you find “chemistry” online? Others do, but I feel I have yet to experience that. The tension you find with another, in the flesh … the power of attraction at work, the subtle gestures, the indications of mutual desire, the vulnerability, these experiences seem lost in the ether. My own email relationships are all with men I’ve met at least once, and all I’ve been intimate (sexually) with. Which brings us, I guess to the question of how many of these “relationships” I have, and what qualifies as infidelity when one is in a “flesh based” intimate relationship with one partner. There is never one man for me, as in one man only that I love. There is always about five men I love at a time, and those men I connect with online are the enduring lovers. We are not flirting, but we are great friends, and I suspect would become lovers if we met in the flesh again. I am not willing to give up those friendships, even though they are with past lovers, and the attraction/s are still strong. When my father died a few years ago, I found solace and comfort was on offer online, in a way that it simply wasn’t in my intimate relationship. To be honest there had always been problems with our communication from the start, but tough times broke us, instead of making us. He did not know of my other relationships, and these days, I would probably not put those online relationships at risk for anyone, no matter how much love we had between us. Living part of my social life online, has taught me a lot about how difficult I find the idea of pure monogamy.  If pure monogamy means letting go of contact with all former lovers, or men you are/have been attracted to. I love the art of letter writing, albeit in this new technological age. Every email is welcome, and the care taken to think about what is written shows. I think that gets lost in the daily life of an intimate relationship – I usually end up feeling more alone “with another” than when reading or re-reading my emails from those other distant men.  I think what I love most about these relationships lived online is the fact they are great narratives unfolding, they are like little books being written. They capture history, affection, and a deepening bond … and it is this that I find most fascinating about online connections. You can feel so much more love and affection for a person far away, than for the person you are supposed to be “in love” with, the person who shares your bed, your home and your daily life. Love on the wire.